Dreams of Death and Weddings
I dreamt about Jenn all night last night. I discovered her at church; she invited me to her wedding. And the rest of the night was wedding processions in which I was a part. Sometimes they turned into funeral processions, and my feelings altered accordingly, but for the most part, they stayed happy. Walking in lines to music, dressed in gorgeous dresses, having everyone look at me as I walk in a line with a bunch of other girls. Feeling self-conscious but beautiful and at my best. Walking down rows of seats and sitting in a row with those girls in the order we walked, feeling anticipation, joy, and camaraderie.
I definitely miss Jenn. She was a high school friend, and the only one who made earnest girlish promises that we would always keep in touch. I remember feeling that she was foolish when she told me this, but ironically, she’s the only high school friend who I’ve lost contact with. When I told her that I’d had spiritual premonitions that I’d marry a certain someone (ridiculous, but it was a powerful communication, I was convinced, and it was reassuring to my lonely heart), she told me she’d had a similar communication. She was sure she’d die at the age of twenty-two.
That age has come and gone for both of us. I had a quieter communication, suddenly one morning, as I was easing myself into the shower water, that she was dead; however, since the marriage thing didn’t pan through, I’m more wary of such communications.
My problem is that I have no idea where she is or how she’s doing. The last time I talked to her was to tell her I was engaged and to ask her to be my bridesmaid. She had told me earlier that she was engaged to a guy she met at basic training; they were planning on getting married in Italy once they both had leave at the same time. Then, during the last time I talked to her, she told me that she wasn’t engaged anymore, but living with another guy and shipping out to Iraq the next week. She couldn’t possibly be my bridesmaid.
I was about to turn twenty-one when I talked to her. And I haven’t since. I’m half-convinced she’s dead, but the other half of me wonders if she’s still living with that guy, if she’s still constructing bombs, and if her premonition turned out to be as false as mine.